Do you know someone who has been assaulted? Are you struggling with what to say and how to respond? It can be hard to know what to say or do in these situations. I discuss in this video some helpful things to say but also focus on what NOT to say and why.

Helpful Links

Chanel Miller's website:https://www.chanel-miller.com/

Her award speech:https://twitter.com/glamourmag/status/1194089041316253696?lang=en

Jim Hopper Sexual Assault & the Brain:https://www.jimhopper.com/sexual-assault-and-the-brain/

Support for survivors:https://rainn.org/

Summary of Video:

In this powerful and compassionate Facebook Live, Addie Wieland, LCSW and founder of Everyday Bravery Counseling, delivers a heartfelt message centered on how to support survivors of sexual assault. She offers a direct, thoughtful reflection inspired by Know My Name by Chanel Miller, a memoir detailing Miller’s experience as a survivor of sexual assault and her journey toward reclaiming her identity after the highly publicized Brock Turner case.

Addie opens with a clear trigger warning, acknowledging the weight of the topic and encouraging viewers to care for themselves while engaging with the content. Her message is twofold: (1) to validate survivors and (2) to educate their support systems on how to respond with care and empathy.

Addie emphasizes that sexual assault is more common than most people realize, and many survivors do not come forward. When someone does disclose, the most powerful and healing thing you can do is simply listen—without questioning, fixing, or pressing for details. Survivors need to feel heard, believed, and emotionally safe. Physical touch may or may not be appropriate depending on the person, but what matters most is your emotional presence and nonjudgmental support.

She strongly cautions against asking invasive questions like “What were you wearing?” or “Why didn’t you fight back?” These types of questions not only show a lack of understanding but can also reinforce shame and self-blame, compounding trauma rather than easing it.

To explain why these responses are so harmful, Addie provides a trauma-informed explanation of how the brain reacts in moments of extreme fear. When someone experiences trauma, especially during an assault, the brain’s rational thinking center—the neocortex—shuts down to conserve energy for survival. Instead, the brain relies on the brainstem, which controls instinctive responses like freezing. This automatic shutdown often results in what’s known as tonic immobility—a state in which survivors literally cannot move, scream, or fight back, even if they desperately want to.

Addie speaks directly to survivors, gently reminding them: “It’s not your fault.” The way your body responded was not a failure or a weakness—it was a biological survival mechanism. Unfortunately, cultural misconceptions and a lack of education about trauma response often lead survivors to question themselves when, in reality, their body made the safest choice available in that moment.

She closes with a simple yet powerful script for supporting survivors: “I love you. I’m here for you. I don’t know what to say, but thank you for telling me. I’m with you no matter what.”
No explanations, no judgment—just presence.

Addie urges anyone struggling with ongoing trauma to seek professional support and offers to help connect survivors to appropriate resources. She recommends Chanel Miller’s book and acceptance speech as powerful tools for education and validation. With grace and clinical clarity, Addie offers survivors and their supporters a pathway to healing rooted in understanding, belief, and compassion.