We’ve all been there—someone tells you to “just calm down” in the middle of a crash out. Or maybe you’ve said it to yourself. As if those three little words are a magic spell that will instantly make your nervous system chill out and relax. (Spoiler: they don’t.)

If you’re a young adult who struggles with anxiety, people-pleasing, or shaky boundaries with parents, you probably know this phrase all too well. And even if you don’t, chances are you’ve experienced a moment where logic and pep talks just couldn’t reach you. That’s because when your brain and body are dysregulated, “calm down” isn’t just unhelpful—it’s actually impossible.

A Personal Story: My Crashout Mom Moment

When my oldest daughter started school, I was 8 months pregnant and running on fumes.. That first drop-off was brutal—my heart raced, my chest felt tight, and tears came before I even made it back to the car. My body was in full panic mode. I started hyperventilating and the more I tried to catch my breath, I couldn’t. It was the strangest feeling for me, because up to that point, I had never experienced a panic attack. And even though logically, as a therapist, I knew what it was, I still couldn’t quite get control over it.

And then my husband, with all the good intentions in the world who was terribly worried I was going to put myself in early labor, looked at me and said, “You need to calm down.”

Friends, I love the man, but in that moment, I wanted to throw my (decaf) coffee at him. My brain wasn’t in a place where words could soothe me or even full reach me. I wasn’t being “irrational”—I was dysregulated.

The Brain Science of Why “Calm Down” Doesn’t Work

Here’s what’s happening when you’re panicking, anxious, or spiraling:

Your amygdala (the alarm system of the brain) hijacks the show. It’s screaming, “Danger! Protect yourself!”
Your prefrontal cortex (the reasoning, logical part) basically shuts down. That’s why trying to reason your way out of a panic attack feels like trying to run Zoom on dial-up internet—nothing’s loading.
Your nervous system kicks into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Your body literally believes it’s in danger, even if you “know” you’re not. Perceived threat or real threat doesn’t matter to your nervous system.

So when someone says “just calm down,” your brain can’t access that reasoning yet. It’s not that you don’t want to—it’s that biologically, you can’t.

Regulation vs. Reasoning

Here’s the key: regulate first, reason later. This is based on Dr. Bruce Perry’s 3 R’s. Find more information here.

When you’re dysregulated, your nervous system needs calming signals before your logical brain can come back online. That’s why grounding strategies work better than lectures (from yourself or others).

Practical Tools to Calm Anxiety and Trauma Responses

Instead of “calm down,” try:

Breathe with your body: Slow, deep exhales signal safety to your nervous system. Breathing is the language of your brainstem, the part of the brain that is mostly online when you are feeling overwhelmed or panicked.
Use movement: Shake out your hands, stretch, or go for a walk to discharge the adrenaline.
Ground through your senses: Notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear.
Cold water reset: Splash your face or hold something cool—it taps into your vagus nerve and helps regulate.

Once your body feels safe, then your brain can start to reason. That’s when self-talk like, “I’ve got this, I’m okay, this isn’t an emergency” actually helps.

My favorite somatic practitioner that has a ton of helpful nervous system regulation ideas on her instagram page is Heal with Britt.

Why Therapy Can Help You Build Nervous System Regulation

Here’s the good news: your nervous system is trainable. In therapy, we can:

Identify your triggers and notice your early signs of dysregulation.
Practice regulation skills until they become second nature.
Heal the underlying trauma that keeps your brain stuck in “survival mode.”
Build healthier ways to respond in relationships—so you’re not just reacting, you’re choosing.

Working with your brain and nervous system (instead of against them) is the most effective way to calm anxiety and build real resilience.

Final Thoughts

So, if “just calm down” hasn’t worked for you, it’s not because you’re weak or broken. It’s because your nervous system needs safety before your brain can make sense of things. Regulation first, reasoning second—that’s the magic formula.

I specialize in helping clients with childhood trauma, emotional neglect, and complex PTSD reconnect with themselves, set boundaries, and feel safe in their body and emotions.

👉 If you’re ready to learn how to work with your brain and nervous system for better mental health, I’d love to help.

Schedule a consultation with me today and let’s start building tools that actually work.

Why “Just Calm Down” Doesn’t Work | The Brain Science of Trauma Responses