Lonely road. Recovery from childhood emotional neglect.

Have you ever wished your mom would ask about your day instead of commenting on your weight or what’s on your plate?

Grieving a parent who is still alive is deeply confusing, isolating, and even shame-inducing. If you grew up with emotional neglect, you may carry an invisible grief—the loss of never having the parent you needed. As an adult, you might still find yourself longing for the idealized parent: the one who listened, nurtured, and truly saw you.

This hidden grief is incredibly common for adult children of emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable parents. If you’re new to the term childhood emotional neglect, check out this post to learn more.

No matter how old we are, we’re wired to seek love and approval from our parents. That need for connection is deeply biological. I remember when I worked in child abuse prevention at a children’s advocacy center. We would see horrific cases, yet the children almost never “gave up” their parents. At first, I didn’t understand—how could they protect someone who hurt them so badly?

But over time, I learned about the deep impact of trauma and attachment. We’re wired to connect. Our parents are the first people who either offer us safety and love—or don’t. And even if we don’t receive the emotional support we needed, we still keep trying. It’s human. It’s survival.

That’s where this idea of grieving the idealized parent comes in—the loving, present parent we needed vs. the actual parents we have.

What is an Idealized Parent?

An idealized parent is who you wish your parent could be. You might expect them to show up for you, to finally listen, or to take accountability—but they keep disappointing you. You might daydream about a future version of your mom or dad who finally gets it.

You may even hold onto hope that if you just do things differently, they’ll come around.

And honestly? Society feeds this fantasy. From “Gilmore Girls” to Instagram-perfect families, we’re constantly shown images of loving, connected parent-child relationships. It’s easy to think: Why can’t I have that?

So you try again. You reach out. You go to the family event. You call. And once again, you’re left hurt, invalidated, or drained.

Am I Still Holding Onto the Fantasy of a Loving Parent?

Still not sure if you’re grieving the parent you wish you had? Here are some signs:

You regularly spend time with your parents, even though you always leave feeling hurt or unseen.
You call them out of habit, but your conversations leave you feeling worse.
You keep putting in 100% of the emotional effort, but they don’t meet you halfway.
Holidays leave you wondering why you keep subjecting yourself to their chaos.
If they weren’t your parents, would you even want them in your life? Would you choose them as friends?

If these resonate, you may be stuck in the grief of your idealized parent. That grief has to be honored before you can find peace.

The Invisible Grief of Childhood Emotional Neglect

So what does it mean to grieve a parent who’s still alive?

Many of my clients feel torn. They know their parents hurt them—sometimes deeply—but they also don’t want to cut ties. They hope things will change. They hope their parent will apologize, take responsibility, or finally meet their emotional needs.

Let me be clear: my role isn’t to alienate you from your parents. Most parents did the best they could with what they had. And sometimes, that “best” was neglectful, hurtful, or even abusive. That’s the paradox.

If your parents continue to wound you as an adult, it might be time to accept that they may never give you what you need. That loss is huge. You are grieving the parent you never had—but always deserved.

How to Start Grieving the Parent You Needed

To begin this healing, you have to feel your grief. That means:

Label your emotions.
Validate your experience.
Notice how it shows up in your body.

You might want to write a eulogy for the idealized parent. Or cry. Or scream. Or sit quietly in sadness. Whatever shows up is valid.

💡 Want guidance on this? Download my free Idealized Parent Grief Workbook here. Or check this post out for more information on how to feel your feelings.

You cannot skip grief. It’s uncomfortable, vulnerable work—but you can do hard things.

Choosing the Relationship You Want with Your Parents

Once you’ve grieved the fantasy, you get to decide what kind of relationship you want with your actual parents.

“When people show you who they are—believe them.” —Maya Angelou

What are your parents actually capable of right now? Not who they could be someday, but who they are today. You might choose:

A superficial connection focused on light topics.
A relationship rooted in logistics or practical help.
Low or no contact, if the dynamic remains toxic.

This is your choice—and you can adjust it anytime. Grieving your idealized parent gives you clarity and agency.

And yes, people can change. I’m a therapist. I believe in transformation. But you don’t need to keep knocking on a door that’s never opened for you. Stop going for help to the house that built you.

Take the Next Step: Healing with Support

I know this hurts. I know it feels unfair. It is unfair.

Grieve it. Honor it. And then begin building something new.

Create connections with people who do lift you up. Fill your life with chosen family who energize you and make you feel safe, seen, and loved. If you don’t have those people yet—put your energy there. You are worthy of that love.

Your parents may not be your people. And while that’s heartbreaking, it’s not the end of your story. You get to write the next chapter. Build your new house.

Ready to explore this grief in a safe, supportive space? I help Gen Z and Millennials process childhood emotional neglect, reclaim their self-worth, and learn to set boundaries. I would love to chat. Schedule your FREE 15 consult today. Click here.

Grieving the Idealized Parent: Healing from Childhood Emotional Neglect